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I'm feeling lost in the storm....

The clouds have rolled in. The wind is blowing, hard and fast all around. The skies are dark and there is lightning striking and thunder crashing. This is how I feel. I feel like there is a storm surrounding my life right now, and that with just enough force the wind could pick me up and blow me away.

From the daily stress of having a large blended family. The bickering, the arguing, the chores, and fighting. The stress of work, school, kids, husband, dogs, all these lives depending on me, and demanding of me. The clouds. The people who have caused the storm to grow and continue to push the wind. With each new lightning strike our family is weakening, are we going to be able to weather this one? Will we make it out as a whole? What will be left? 

I'm so tired. I'm tired of trying to keep things together while the winds tear them apart. 

I feel like I'm lost, like the clouds have consumed me. I've lost the desire to smile, and be happy. I've lost the urge to fight for what's mine. 

Is it even worth fighting for something that no one else is fighting for? 

The clouds don't look like they are going anywhere, and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough anymore to weather this storm. 

Maybe it's a good idea to leave, and seek shelter where the sun shines and the winds don't blow, and the thunder doesn't shake me to the core.

My boy

I want to talk a little bit about my boy. My oldest son. He is 14 years old, going on 25. He's my rock. I don't know what I would have done with out him in my life. Let me give a little background. I was 17 years old when I had him, 2 months before my 18th birthday. I thought I had life all figured out. I knew I was ready for motherhood, I just knew it. I was thinking of all the things I would show him and teach him. I didn't realize just how much he would teach me! I couldn't wait to see his little face, and I knew from the moment I found out I was pregnant that it was a boy! I just knew. 
The day came that he joined us, and I was so excited, immature as I was. I got up early, because I was induced, took a shower, did my hair & makeup. Yup hair & makeup folks, to have a baby! LOL! Anyway, he came into this world and forever changed who I was. 
Now don't get me wrong, I was not then, nor do I claim to have ever been the perfect parent. I made a lot of mistakes. I did a lot of bad things that could have really hurt him. I won't make excuses, I decided to have a child, which therefore ended my childhood. Or at least it should have. I did things I shouldn't have done. But the one thing I always did, was love him. I loved him more than anything in the entire world. I loved him so much that at one point in my young life, I thought I wasn't good enough to be his mom, and that he'd be better off with out me. God had other plans. 

Here we are! 

I watched this little baby that I helped make, grow from a tiny little baby who had to lay in the sunlight of the window because he was just a little to jaundiced, to a rough & tumble toddler who wasn't really scared of anything. From there he grew into the school age little boy, that I cried my eyes out after watching him get on his school bus for his first day of kindergarten. Watching him play the violin, and listening to him come home and read to me...Read! This little person, I made, is reading! LOL! I think I save every picture he ever drew for me, I'm pretty sure I have most of them somewhere. Because this boy has been drawing since he could hold a pencil. Beautiful artwork, some silly, all beautiful (in a mother's eyes). The next thing I know...BAM! He's in middle school. Girls, and attitude, and drawing, more drawing. Homework, that I don't understand, and seeing him change. Now, I look at my little boy, and he's not. He's not little at all. He's big, and growing up faster than I can keep track. My heart is sad a little, because I know that someday, he will be all grown up. But more than anything, I'm proud! I'm so very proud of the young man he is becoming. Responsible, and caring, hard working, and sweet! He's playing football this year, his freshman year in high school. Which is the reason I am writing this. My baby boy, is a freshman! I remember like it was yesterday him being in diapers, learning to crawl, falling asleep in his swing. Learning to walk, run, ride a bike... Where has the time gone? I don't know. I do know that I have a very beautiful young man for a son, and without him, I wouldn't be the person I am today, and my life would be missing something. So, before I start balling uncontrollably, I will end it here. I love you Eric Anthony. I have enjoyed watching you grow up. I cannot wait to see what you become, and the wonderful things you will bring to this world. Thank you for blessing my life and making me a mommy! I love you always!

Breaking down...or not!

I just wanted to update... I'm still reading my devotionals, and am trying to use them. I am going to write about other stuff also, because I have so much going on in my head, that I feel it might bust if I don't let some out... So here it goes...
I am finding it hard to find peace. I feel like when things start looking up  or like we might not be 10 steps behind all the time, something else comes up. I know that God will never give me more than I can handle, it's just believing that I can handle it, is the hard part. I don't have a choice really. Which isn't fair, I'm not given a choice as to whether or not I deal with what is going on, while the people who should be dealing with it, because it's their crap, are making comments like, I'm just going to take these 6 months & take a break. Are you kidding me?
Ok, I need to breathe, because I'm starting to get upset, and that won't solve anything.
Deep breath in, slow out....
Ok... I'm starting to calm down.
I just don't understand sometimes, why things are the way they are. I feel as though sometimes I'm paying for things I've done in the past, but that's not how it works. I know that. I guess it's just trying to figure out what God is doing, & why? Ha! that's ridiculous, who am I to try & figure out what God is doing?
I'm getting side tracked. I have so much stress right now, I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. But when I think that, I think about my husband, and how he must feel, so I tell myself I can't breakdown, or take a break, because he doesn't get to either... Is that healthy? Probably not, but what else am I supposed to do? We are supposed to be a team, him & I, working together for the better of our family. But how good will a team be if one of the players is benched, because of an injury. (I'm not saying I'm going to hurt myself, I'm sticking with the team theme). If I keep going like this, something is going to have to eventually give, and from the looks of things, life isn't going to be giving me anything but a hard time for a while. So I'm afraid it will be me. 
Ok, I started writing that last night, and it's now the morning (7/24/12), and I'm trying to have a positive outlook on things, I was jamming out to my K Love, Air1 and Family Life radio this morning, trying to let the music & lyrics change my heart. I have a good heart, it's just been hardened over the years, from all the hurt, and pain. Not just that caused by others, but the stuff I did to myself too... sometimes the pain we cause ourselves is the most damaging, in my opinion anyway. So I'm constantly in a battle with myself of trying to not give in and break down. I know that I am strong. I know that I can win the battle, but is it wrong to WANT to break down? I just want a little time, to do nothing, just relax and not worry about problems, especially ones that aren't mine. Eh, I guess one day, maybe that will happen, but not today, and probably not tomorrow either. 
I just need to remember to not worry, because God is good, and he has a plan through all this craziness, I just need to trust him...coming from a person with trust issues, this is the challenge!

Peace out...till the next time!

It's Friday! Thank God!

Good Morning, and happy Friday! Ugh! That was a little too much, even for a Friday! LOL! But seriously, I am going to have a good day today...it's the end of the week, and I just got paid...even though it's only enough to pay the childcare, and put gas in the van, it's enough. Be thankful for everything, and in everything be thankful, or something like that. I'm just glad that we have enough, sometimes we don't realize that enough is...well, enough. We want more, and we want it now! God is funny that way, he knows exactly what we need and when we need it...I am doing this thing with myself of trying to find the positive in every situation...it's not easy...it's actually one of the hardest things I've done. It's easier to see the negative, especially when there is so much of it going around, both in my personal world, and the actual world. But when you CHOOSE, and it is a choice, to look for, seek out & find the positive in every situation, even the worse situations don't appear as bad as they first did. It's going to take some time, and I will have a few slip ups, I am a habitual negative Nancy, but I am making a promise to myself to let go of the negative, not only for myself, but for my family, my children, and my husband.  I want my kids to see that you don't have to be negative because there is negative around...you can be positive and shine through the darkness...I love my life, I don't LIKE everything that has happened, is happening, or will happen, but I love my life...I am truly blessed. I have an amazing husband, with out him, I wouldn't be trying to make these changes, I'd still probably be trying to self medicate and hide. I have 3 super fantastic wonderfully beautiful children, that I die for, and 3 equally super fantastic, & wonderfully beautiful bonus kids, that are a blessing as well! 
Life isn't perfect, no matter how much we want it to be, but we can make it great, imperfections and all!


I'm out for now...I may be back later....if I get the urge...LOL!

I'M TIRED!

I'm going to take a minute to just put some stuff down here, so I can get it off my chest, and hopefully give it to God... 


As the title says..I'm tired... Not just physically, but mentally, and emotionally too. These past 3 weeks have been a complete whirlwind of emotions and stress. We have been dragged into a situation where our lives have been changed, and we've had to make some serious changes. I'm good with the way things are. I just wish that they wouldn't have come about the way they did. I know I'm being vague, but out of respect for my husband, (and technically the courts), I have to be careful what I say. I will say that I am glad that things are the way they are. Light has been shed on a situation that was not good, and for that I'm thankful. All kids are safe and no one is hurt, thank God, once again. That being said, here's where the tired comes in. I have been working now for 2 weeks full time, back at my old job, which in & of itself was a blessing, especially with the changes that have taken place, we need the money! Here's how my days have gone for the past week: I get up at 4 in the morning to shower and get everyone ready, because we have to leave the house by 5:30 to get the hubby to work. I then drop all the children off at daycare (which is due to the situation we were dragged into) by 6, I then drive to work, and sit in the van & read for 20 minutes or so before I go inside & start my work day. I am at work from 7-4, I leave at 11am to take the van to the husband, because he gets off work at 3. Then I'm back to work until I'm off at 4. Then the fun begins. We get home & I cook dinner, do dishes, make sure the dogs have water, make sure the whole brood has a shower and is in bed by 8ish...because we have to get up and do it all over again the next morning... Oh, and I forgot to mention the #6 (the baby) doesn't sleep through the night yet, so I'm up at least once in the middle of the night with him...this is the cause of the physical tiredness. The emotional tiredness, is obviously from the fact that our lives have been turned upside down, and #'s 2,3,&5 are having a hard time with the change, because they don't see their mom anymore (long story that I just can't go into.). This upsets me because I love my bonus children very much, and it hurts me that I wasn't able to keep them from being hurt (I mean, you really shouldn't have to protect a child from his/her mother, but it happens). Not physically, just all the emotional crap that she's put on them... The hubby and I are stressed out because with the added expenses that have been laid upon our shoulders, we are bone dry financially...even with my new income. School is starting and there's no money for clothes & shoes, let alone the supplies that they require you to bring...That's the mentally stressful part...I'm a worrier...I worry, I know as a Christian, I shouldn't but I do. I'm trying to change that...I'm trying to pray when I worry. I'm trying to give things to God, I just have this little string attached to all that I give, so in case I feel like it's not going to happen, or I don't know, I just feel the need to control things, I can yank it back, and worry. It's been my biggest fail as a christian through my entire walk (except, of course the walking away, that was the biggest fail). 
I guess this is going to be the end for now...I feel like, I'm rambling...I just need to get this off my chest, so I can breath... I'm sure there will be more ramblings in the very near future!

Time To Take Action!

For today's devotional, I read out of my Daily Dose of Determination, and the daily dose was Time to Take Action! Which I feel is pretty fitting to how I am feeling and the fact that I've decided to blog everyday (if possible) as a way of getting closer to God, and get better at praying. It asks what kind of action have I taken today towards fulfilling my dreams? I feel like I am taking action, I am doing something that will not only help me fulfill my dreams, but will also help me to become a better person. Let me explain... I have set myself a goal, of reading a daily devotional, and blogging about it, as a way to help me put into action what I've read. Today is day 2, so far so good. I feel like I'm slowly, (but surely) finding my way back. I also am continuing my education. I am still enrolled in school, even though I am back at work full time. People have asked, are you still in school? Did you quit school? Some are surprised when I say no. I'm not going to quit school because I'm working. I'm working to help support my family, and I'm going to school, to be able to, not just get a better job, but to be a good example for my children. I think that reason, above all the other reasons I could find for staying in school, is the biggest reason. I  have not always made the best decisions, and my children have witnessed that, so I have decided to make an effort stick to the goals I have set, and follow through on things. Something that I've not been so good at in the past. So with that being said, I am sticking to the daily devotional blogging, and of course my schooling. 
The verse with my devotional for today was James 2:20 Faith without works is dead.  I feel like I am doing the work, and growing my faith... 


On a side note: I'm also reading The Power of a Praying Life by Stormie Omartian. I love her books, I have read her book The Power of a Praying Parent, and I loved it, it helped me with praying for my children and myself to be a good parent. I'm excited to take the journey of becoming a powerful praying person, and look forward to reaping the rewards of my works!


God Bless!