I am finding it hard to find peace. I feel like when things start looking up or like we might not be 10 steps behind all the time, something else comes up. I know that God will never give me more than I can handle, it's just believing that I can handle it, is the hard part. I don't have a choice really. Which isn't fair, I'm not given a choice as to whether or not I deal with what is going on, while the people who should be dealing with it, because it's their crap, are making comments like, I'm just going to take these 6 months & take a break. Are you kidding me?
Ok, I need to breathe, because I'm starting to get upset, and that won't solve anything.
Deep breath in, slow out....
Ok... I'm starting to calm down.
I just don't understand sometimes, why things are the way they are. I feel as though sometimes I'm paying for things I've done in the past, but that's not how it works. I know that. I guess it's just trying to figure out what God is doing, & why? Ha! that's ridiculous, who am I to try & figure out what God is doing?
I'm getting side tracked. I have so much stress right now, I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. But when I think that, I think about my husband, and how he must feel, so I tell myself I can't breakdown, or take a break, because he doesn't get to either... Is that healthy? Probably not, but what else am I supposed to do? We are supposed to be a team, him & I, working together for the better of our family. But how good will a team be if one of the players is benched, because of an injury. (I'm not saying I'm going to hurt myself, I'm sticking with the team theme). If I keep going like this, something is going to have to eventually give, and from the looks of things, life isn't going to be giving me anything but a hard time for a while. So I'm afraid it will be me.
Ok, I started writing that last night, and it's now the morning (7/24/12), and I'm trying to have a positive outlook on things, I was jamming out to my K Love, Air1 and Family Life radio this morning, trying to let the music & lyrics change my heart. I have a good heart, it's just been hardened over the years, from all the hurt, and pain. Not just that caused by others, but the stuff I did to myself too... sometimes the pain we cause ourselves is the most damaging, in my opinion anyway. So I'm constantly in a battle with myself of trying to not give in and break down. I know that I am strong. I know that I can win the battle, but is it wrong to WANT to break down? I just want a little time, to do nothing, just relax and not worry about problems, especially ones that aren't mine. Eh, I guess one day, maybe that will happen, but not today, and probably not tomorrow either.
I just need to remember to not worry, because God is good, and he has a plan through all this craziness, I just need to trust him...coming from a person with trust issues, this is the challenge!
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