I just wanted to update... I'm still reading my devotionals, and am trying to use them. I am going to write about other stuff also, because I have so much going on in my head, that I feel it might bust if I don't let some out... So here it goes...
I am finding it hard to find peace. I feel like when things start looking up or like we might not be 10 steps behind all the time, something else comes up. I know that God will never give me more than I can handle, it's just believing that I can handle it, is the hard part. I don't have a choice really. Which isn't fair, I'm not given a choice as to whether or not I deal with what is going on, while the people who should be dealing with it, because it's their crap, are making comments like, I'm just going to take these 6 months & take a break. Are you kidding me?
Ok, I need to breathe, because I'm starting to get upset, and that won't solve anything.
Deep breath in, slow out....
Ok... I'm starting to calm down.
I just don't understand sometimes, why things are the way they are. I feel as though sometimes I'm paying for things I've done in the past, but that's not how it works. I know that. I guess it's just trying to figure out what God is doing, & why? Ha! that's ridiculous, who am I to try & figure out what God is doing?
I'm getting side tracked. I have so much stress right now, I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. But when I think that, I think about my husband, and how he must feel, so I tell myself I can't breakdown, or take a break, because he doesn't get to either... Is that healthy? Probably not, but what else am I supposed to do? We are supposed to be a team, him & I, working together for the better of our family. But how good will a team be if one of the players is benched, because of an injury. (I'm not saying I'm going to hurt myself, I'm sticking with the team theme). If I keep going like this, something is going to have to eventually give, and from the looks of things, life isn't going to be giving me anything but a hard time for a while. So I'm afraid it will be me.
Ok, I started writing that last night, and it's now the morning (7/24/12), and I'm trying to have a positive outlook on things, I was jamming out to my K Love, Air1 and Family Life radio this morning, trying to let the music & lyrics change my heart. I have a good heart, it's just been hardened over the years, from all the hurt, and pain. Not just that caused by others, but the stuff I did to myself too... sometimes the pain we cause ourselves is the most damaging, in my opinion anyway. So I'm constantly in a battle with myself of trying to not give in and break down. I know that I am strong. I know that I can win the battle, but is it wrong to WANT to break down? I just want a little time, to do nothing, just relax and not worry about problems, especially ones that aren't mine. Eh, I guess one day, maybe that will happen, but not today, and probably not tomorrow either.
I just need to remember to not worry, because God is good, and he has a plan through all this craziness, I just need to trust him...coming from a person with trust issues, this is the challenge!
Peace out...till the next time!
Good Morning, and happy Friday! Ugh! That was a little too much, even for a Friday! LOL! But seriously, I am going to have a good day today...it's the end of the week, and I just got paid...even though it's only enough to pay the childcare, and put gas in the van, it's enough. Be thankful for everything, and in everything be thankful, or something like that. I'm just glad that we have enough, sometimes we don't realize that enough is...well, enough. We want more, and we want it now! God is funny that way, he knows exactly what we need and when we need it...I am doing this thing with myself of trying to find the positive in every situation...it's not easy...it's actually one of the hardest things I've done. It's easier to see the negative, especially when there is so much of it going around, both in my personal world, and the actual world. But when you CHOOSE, and it is a choice, to look for, seek out & find the positive in every situation, even the worse situations don't appear as bad as they first did. It's going to take some time, and I will have a few slip ups, I am a habitual negative Nancy, but I am making a promise to myself to let go of the negative, not only for myself, but for my family, my children, and my husband. I want my kids to see that you don't have to be negative because there is negative around...you can be positive and shine through the darkness...I love my life, I don't LIKE everything that has happened, is happening, or will happen, but I love my life...I am truly blessed. I have an amazing husband, with out him, I wouldn't be trying to make these changes, I'd still probably be trying to self medicate and hide. I have 3 super fantastic wonderfully beautiful children, that I die for, and 3 equally super fantastic, & wonderfully beautiful bonus kids, that are a blessing as well!
Life isn't perfect, no matter how much we want it to be, but we can make it great, imperfections and all!
I'm out for now...I may be back later....if I get the urge...LOL!
I'm going to take a minute to just put some stuff down here, so I can get it off my chest, and hopefully give it to God...
As the title says..I'm tired... Not just physically, but mentally, and emotionally too. These past 3 weeks have been a complete whirlwind of emotions and stress. We have been dragged into a situation where our lives have been changed, and we've had to make some serious changes. I'm good with the way things are. I just wish that they wouldn't have come about the way they did. I know I'm being vague, but out of respect for my husband, (and technically the courts), I have to be careful what I say. I will say that I am glad that things are the way they are. Light has been shed on a situation that was not good, and for that I'm thankful. All kids are safe and no one is hurt, thank God, once again. That being said, here's where the tired comes in. I have been working now for 2 weeks full time, back at my old job, which in & of itself was a blessing, especially with the changes that have taken place, we need the money! Here's how my days have gone for the past week: I get up at 4 in the morning to shower and get everyone ready, because we have to leave the house by 5:30 to get the hubby to work. I then drop all the children off at daycare (which is due to the situation we were dragged into) by 6, I then drive to work, and sit in the van & read for 20 minutes or so before I go inside & start my work day. I am at work from 7-4, I leave at 11am to take the van to the husband, because he gets off work at 3. Then I'm back to work until I'm off at 4. Then the fun begins. We get home & I cook dinner, do dishes, make sure the dogs have water, make sure the whole brood has a shower and is in bed by 8ish...because we have to get up and do it all over again the next morning... Oh, and I forgot to mention the #6 (the baby) doesn't sleep through the night yet, so I'm up at least once in the middle of the night with him...this is the cause of the physical tiredness. The emotional tiredness, is obviously from the fact that our lives have been turned upside down, and #'s 2,3,&5 are having a hard time with the change, because they don't see their mom anymore (long story that I just can't go into.). This upsets me because I love my bonus children very much, and it hurts me that I wasn't able to keep them from being hurt (I mean, you really shouldn't have to protect a child from his/her mother, but it happens). Not physically, just all the emotional crap that she's put on them... The hubby and I are stressed out because with the added expenses that have been laid upon our shoulders, we are bone dry financially...even with my new income. School is starting and there's no money for clothes & shoes, let alone the supplies that they require you to bring...That's the mentally stressful part...I'm a worrier...I worry, I know as a Christian, I shouldn't but I do. I'm trying to change that...I'm trying to pray when I worry. I'm trying to give things to God, I just have this little string attached to all that I give, so in case I feel like it's not going to happen, or I don't know, I just feel the need to control things, I can yank it back, and worry. It's been my biggest fail as a christian through my entire walk (except, of course the walking away, that was the biggest fail).
I guess this is going to be the end for now...I feel like, I'm rambling...I just need to get this off my chest, so I can breath... I'm sure there will be more ramblings in the very near future!
For today's devotional, I read out of my Daily Dose of Determination, and the daily dose was Time to Take Action! Which I feel is pretty fitting to how I am feeling and the fact that I've decided to blog everyday (if possible) as a way of getting closer to God, and get better at praying. It asks what kind of action have I taken today towards fulfilling my dreams? I feel like I am taking action, I am doing something that will not only help me fulfill my dreams, but will also help me to become a better person. Let me explain... I have set myself a goal, of reading a daily devotional, and blogging about it, as a way to help me put into action what I've read. Today is day 2, so far so good. I feel like I'm slowly, (but surely) finding my way back. I also am continuing my education. I am still enrolled in school, even though I am back at work full time. People have asked, are you still in school? Did you quit school? Some are surprised when I say no. I'm not going to quit school because I'm working. I'm working to help support my family, and I'm going to school, to be able to, not just get a better job, but to be a good example for my children. I think that reason, above all the other reasons I could find for staying in school, is the biggest reason. I have not always made the best decisions, and my children have witnessed that, so I have decided to make an effort stick to the goals I have set, and follow through on things. Something that I've not been so good at in the past. So with that being said, I am sticking to the daily devotional blogging, and of course my schooling.
The verse with my devotional for today was James 2:20 Faith without works is dead. I feel like I am doing the work, and growing my faith...
On a side note: I'm also reading The Power of a Praying Life by Stormie Omartian. I love her books, I have read her book The Power of a Praying Parent, and I loved it, it helped me with praying for my children and myself to be a good parent. I'm excited to take the journey of becoming a powerful praying person, and look forward to reaping the rewards of my works!
God Bless!
I am trying to do these devotionals, that I have on my kindle. I have one for busy moms, and one for daily reading. I am hoping to find some help through the struggles that have found their way into my life. Don't get me wrong, I know that life is full of struggles and that's God's way of giving us strength, and new beginnings, and all that good stuff. I'm great with it, I just feel overwhelmed at times, and feel like I'm going to drown in the struggles. I'm hoping that by reading the devotionals daily and posting about them, that I will be forced to actually apply them to my daily life. Here's hoping.
So, I'm going to start out with the first one, and I'll do this one from the busy mom's devotional, since I'm super busy now that I am back at work full time, and my classes will be starting again on Saturdays. I need to make time to pray, not just to ask for stuff, but to give thanks for what has been given....and taken away!
So here is my first daily devotion, for busy moms:
He gives power to those who are tired and worn out: He offers strength to the weak.
Isaiah 40:29 (NLT)
Wow! I am still amazed at how things happen at just the right time. I decided to do this daily devotional today, and the first one is on strength, which I need tons of right now. I know my God will not give me more than I can handle and will not bring me to something with out bringing me through it. I just need to ask for His help, guidance, & love. As it says in Matthew 7:7-8 Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.
I am going to make a real honest true effort to pray everyday. To ask God for his guidance, & wisdom, and to thank Him even when it's hard to find something to be thankful for!
Wow! I feel better. I think that this just might be a good thing.
